Lets call this August

So once again I've found myself back in Pittsburgh. Some how two months have vanished into the summer heat. Shall I count the crashes, should we examine the pros and cons on the summer having even excited? But what to start with pros or cons?

Cons

Mattie has been banished from being my friend
Most friends didn't have me on their list any more "to busy with their real lives"
Everyone who wasn't dating someone is now dating someone
Wasn't the designer on Side Show
Car got Totaled
Packed up childhood room, never to step foot in that house again
Disconnected with father
Miss placed camera the whole trip
Bed bugs at mom's house
Laptop got a good ding it in
Wasted time on making a friend who turned out to be a dick
Found myself with nothing to give
Just a lot of suck


Pros

Got to see Ashley (a surprise visit)
Did see my friends
Being with PHAMALy (although made tough with dick boy
Met Jan (Mark's new girlfriend, she is fun)
Opened Hot l Baltimore
Have a new shiny red car
Took hot guy home from the bar (twice)
Got my butt molded (more to come)
This and that I guess

Still pros, still cons

I don't now, not the summer I had in mind. But when has life ever been that way for me?

My dryer lint always comes out a hue of Green

The small comforts in life.  These seem to be over whelming to me in these few days I've been back in Denver.  It is amazing how much the smell of another person is something I didn't realize I missed so much.  That sweet sent that is their own, some part detergent, some part soap, and then the sent that makes them, them, just like a finger print, none the same.  It makes me think a little differently about the movie Perfume, if only we could just bottle a persons sent to have it, to smell in when feeling so desperately unloved, lonely.

These people we smell and remember are of such importance.  Just as the comfort of knowing what color the dryer lint will be.  I've been pondering the world of great loses, everyone goes through it, some more ignorant then others but isn't it all the same.  My good friend Danielle always told me that the pain I feel is equivalent to the pain others feel, even though to my eye it couldn't be the same.  Then I look at people who have lost greater then I have, and it makes me think I have no right to think about my pain.  Where does this all play?  Where does the line start and end?  What should we say and do.

I find that I can't exist around people unless they know who I am, what I think, what I feel, what really adds up to me.  I go through mass scales of ups to downs.  Most enjoy sharing ups, triumphs, the joys in a persons life.  But then we aren't suppose to share the downs.  These things say we are having a pity party, owe poor me.  I guess when I share these things it is for a tool purpose.  I think people should know why.  Why do I look sad?  It concerns me more that you don't want to know, or perhaps you didn't even notice.

I don't know, but my laundry is done!

Smitten

I love men.  I love many men, all at once or sometime one by one.  Mind you I'll fall for a girl just the same.  I'm all about the person all in all.

Why, why, why do I find my self so easily smitten with men.  All right I'll get to the point, I just had a wonderful dinner with a wonderful person.  Actually a rather cute boy, who is sweet, and has a wonderful smile, a gentleman.  I like his thoughts, his view on the world, on people, in general.  He is good at listening and is interested.  So I'm smitten, I want to know everything about him, it's an addiction.  A uncontrollable desire towards a person.  You know how you can regret not doing something, well I would rather regret doing something then never knowing.  Life is to short not to just go for it.  But this leaves me not wanting to control my desires.  When I like a person, I want a person.  This should so stop, because the person tends to have a girlfriend, or no desires to share.  

It isn't fare to say that I haven't had the smart talk meeting and then actually been asked on a date to lead to a relationship.  But as one could tell, it didn't lead to the ultimate goal, companionship, someone to share with my whole life with, someone to support each other.  So in my ideal world I am forever seeking my other half, my right leg.  This all leads to me clinging to anyone I click with.

Unhealthy? I don't know, but it leaves me generally disappointed.

So much...

Well I've turned in the last project I'm going to do this month for this semester!  Yes there happen to be more to do.  Shockingly I seem to still get the response, I don't know how you do it Mallory.  You know what is crazy, I don't know how I do it either.  In fact I didn't do it so well this semester.  I've never taken an incomplete in my life.  What at thought, incomplete, am I incomplete, by looking at me yes, but if you only knew.  I think the best way I've head it described is broke, like something that could be fixed.  Isn't it interesting that doctors are so into creating a situation, keeping someone alive, but on the up keep they don't know what to do.  

So I just got back from bowling with the Grads, haven't been out with a group of them in a long time.  Once again I think they were stunned with the notion I can bowl, let alone hit a spar, let of lone the two strikes in a row the next game.  But we can happily ignore that fact that I had the lowest score and that I broke a nail.  It was nice to feel like part of the group, I'm always so torn with the notion of being with people, or being with people do the same old thing, and then there is the flat out not getting included, and I haven't figured out that puzzle yet.  I think I need to work on my event planning or something, people call it contributing, but that fact is I hardly know what I like to do.

Just the same I had a great night with my soon the be Director, Dana is cool, and she has given me great direction of where to start my ideas for her show.  It is such a new way of entering a play and I think I'm going to love it.  Dana and I should work great together.  For those interested the show is "The Mill on the Floss"  Look it up if you want to really fallow the up dates.

So much for the highlights

A quick trip

Why would a blog this online so many people can see, I have no idea.  But to think of it, maybe to make it real, to know it is really happening.  My Aunt Sarah has cancer.  Really that is all I know about it.  My reaction, I need to see her now, like right now.  It is only a 6 hour drive so here I come.

I of course I think she will be ok.  But you can't predict anything, you can only believe in the best.  I use the word believe because I think believing is stronger then hoping or wishing.  

So their it is.  I love my Aunt!

Where do babies come from?

Ashley would like to know where babies come from.  Now for how many strange stories out there that cover this whole event I would rather look at, Why do people have Babies?  Why do people have babies, first it was survival of the species, then it was for continuing the family tree aka an airier to the thrown, next we had child labor on the farms, along side with the expectation that people didn't expect their off spring to survive.  So here we are now in the 2001 century and we are over populated with children starving, with out homes, without families, and we still feel the need to have children.  Now there is the under educated popping out kids like birth control hadn't been invented and the educated class has stopped breading.

But really lets go back to the question at hand, why do people have babies?

Personally I think it is the most selfish thing to do.  What you have a child, in hopes that is has your genetic make up, the good stuff, not the heart decease, or dyslexia, or that things we wish we didn't inherit from out parents, just the good stuff.  So we want these children with perfect genetic make-ups.  Then we want these children to do better and have more then we did.  So even before this child is born you've put unrealistic expectations on them.  Lets not mention the fact that you are going to push your dreams on this child, the dreams that you were to afraid to accomplish, or just not talented enough or smart enough.  But you think with the right education, the right encouragement, starting them on tap lessons early enough, they will making it, they will have their dreams come true.  Dreams they don't even know they are to have because they aren't born yet.

So people have babies to make their dreams come true?  And no having the baby isn't the dream.

The amazing fact is that they forget their parents had the same idea in mind, and after the baby grows out of there childhood and realizes that they didn't really want to grow up and they had it good durning sand box time, spiting their parents for taking their childhood about to pursue interest they never wanted, and then finding themselves with no idea what they want to do for a living, wondering why all they want to do is watch tv and smoke pot, and here they are in their mid twenties with their parents so disappointed in them, wondering if they want to have a family?

So why do we have babies, why not just stop this evil cycle right here, stop the torture, because you never asked to be born.  So their you have it, children are a selfish action on the part of the parents, any questions?

Sound

So I just saw a performance of Don Carlos, it was wonderful, good acting, great set, costumes work,and then there was the sound.  I'm not saying that the sound wasn't good.  Their were some really amazing moments that the sound created.  But it seems that the current effect ipods are having on our youth is now finding its self intergrated into theatrical performance.  I've been wondering what effect it is going to take on the world when everyone has their own personal sound track going all the time and they aren't listening to one another, or for one another, they are the only one that excised.  What kind of society is this going to produce.  When everyone lives in their own world, are we going to be a society?  

So any how about the sound in the show.  On the other side of these great moments, their was a sound tack, music all over the place, sure to amp up moments, end and start the performance, actually I don't think it was at the end.  But then their was more music, durning scene changes, sound of back ground music, sounds of scene, sound of action when their were no words.  I felt distracted and controlled by all this music, I could take the moment of silent actions to feel the scene, I was immersed in the music.  I'm finding this in a lot of shows here at CMU, it isn't just this show.  Where do you think this is leading theatre? Where do you think this will put the audiences.  I feel like by adding so much, we are taking so much more away!

Higher Edjumacation

So it has become apparent to me after having spent nearly a year here at Carnegie Mellon what a good education cost.  I look around myself at the student body and I think of my undergrad,  I've asses how much my undergraduate education left such big wholes in what I need to know.  And I watch the students at CMU school demand the attention, the education because they are aware of how much they are paying for it, a believe you me, it ain't cheep!  But the notion to me, that it is all about the money to get a good education, makes me upset.  But the interesting aspect of what you get when the student body that is made up of mom and dad's money.  You get a student body that hasn't had to rely on anything but the cash in their wallet, so they don't understand what it is to need, to be left in the dark, to have to rely on people, and only stuck with people like them.  

Some hope for society is all I'd like to see.

This First Blog Goes Out To My Homey Ashley

All right, here is it, a blog, I can't tell you what you will end up finding here, or if you can read my broken English, or if I will have any other readers then One.  One named Ashley, who thinks reading a blog by me might be something she would like to do.  So here it is Ashley, I'm a blogger, any question?